Simplify Your Life

1. Old telephone books make great personal address books.Simply cross out the names and addresses of the people you don't know.
2. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
3. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old television remote to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curve.
4. Lose weight by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found out by the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
6. If a person is choking on an ice cube,don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto. The blockage is almost instantly removed.