TEN HALLMARK CARDS FOR THE REAL WORLD

1. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder,"What the fuck was I thinking?"
2. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
3. I've always wanted someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
4. I must admit, you have brought religion to my life. I never believed in Hell before I met you.
5. As days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
6. If I only get one thing for Christmas. I hope it's your sister.
7. We have been friends for a long time. What say we call it quits.
8. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
9. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
10. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday- we're having you put to sleep.